"If I'd Only Known..." Book Reviews
Read reviews of If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse In or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention
Editorial Reviews
Rebecca Brown, Editor of rebeccareads.com,
(05/11/03)
When I first moved to Washington State & was becoming known in the small
seaside town where I had landed, I saw an article in the weekly rag about
an upcoming training course for the domestic violence prevention program.
I called & an hour later, I was at a café meeting an advocate & deep
in an interview. Seems I was a perfect candidate. During the course we discovered
I was useless as an advocate for the battered wives—something to do
with never having been married & not subscribing to any
“accepted” religion. To show you how unsuited I was in this capacity,
I couldn’t grasp why either of those facts should have disqualified
me. However, my forté was soon unearthed when I began going out on
emergency calls as back–up. The children in those traumatized families
began talking with me. It seemed they enjoyed being near me, & frequently
they would murmur that I reminded them of Mary Poppins. With much more training,
I went to bat for them in the capacity of a certified Children’s Advocate.
That was many years ago.
So when Dorothy M. Neddermeyer requested I review her book If I’d Only Known... I instantly rejected it. I’d had my fill, so I thought, of the fear & the violence. Not so, said the Cosmos, & here I am reviewing this modest & informative guide to preventing sexual abuse (or any abuse for that matter), inside or outside the family.
With a thoughtful Foreword by Clair R. Reeves, President/Founder of MASA (Mothers Against Sexual Abuse), Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, has put together a reader–friendly explanation of what abuse is, how it starts, who perpetrates it, what the myths are & why they miss the mark, statistics & discussions of cases which have recently made the headlines.
The Introduction tells how this book came to be written & the story is of a mother who had learnt the tools which Dorothy Neddermeyer teaches & thus headed off at the pass what might have ended up as her daughter’s childhood of intermittent sexual abuse by a neighbor’s son. All seemingly so innocent.
Sexual abuse of children by adults or other children is an ugly subject most of us would rather know nothing about...except statistics say it is in fact an epidemic. In my experience, it is when those first inappropriate, almost casual, actions go unremarked (“It’s just children being children!”) & unstopped(“No harm done, they’ll grow out of it, won’t they-”) that allows for the next & the next, & each successive abuse will become more explicit & controlling. It always does.
The Contents of If I’d Only Known... are:
- • A Mother’s Story—Sexual Abuse and Incest are Perpetrated Anywhere, Anytime, and by Someone You Least Expect.
- • Sexual Abuse and Incest—An Overview—a short history of the laws of the land & landmark cases, research & discussion.
- • Sexual Abuse and Incest Defined—what it is, who does it, why & what the aftereffects can be.
- • Why Self Protection-—empowering children to help themselves.
- • What To Do—Spanking and Boundaries—in which we learn how to be a Non–Spanking Parent; what Good, Appropriate Touch is; Teach Your Child Self–Protection; Good Body Image; Tell Mommy and Daddy Everything—No Secrets Rule; what happens Without the Tell Mommy and Daddy Everything; what Appropriate Suspicion is & what our responsibilities are.
- • Signs of Sexual Abuse of children—thoroughly researched & substantiated signs for each age.
- • When You Need to Entrust Your Child to the Care of Others—tips for when visiting pediatricians & child care facilities.
- • Interview Questions for Childcare workers—questions you’d never think to ask!
- • Survival Skills for Independence—surprisingly simple & yet so overlooked!
- • What To Do if Your Child Reports or Alludes to Having Been a Victim of Sexual Abuse—take a deep breath & read & weep!
- • Steps to Help Stop Child Sexual Abuse—plain & simple & so obvious...except who knows what to do-
.If I’d Only Known... does!
Help and Prevention Organizations are listed as well as a good Sources section.
All in all, If I’d Only Known... is an excellent handbook which everyone living & working with children needs to read & put into practice because it is a dangerous world out there & our children cannot protect themselves from older figures of “authority.” & because the damage done by ignoring or pretending everything is ok has repercussions that bind child & adult into the dreadful cycle of doing unto others what has been done unto them.
Paul Ragonese, former highly decorated NYC Police Officer,
former cablevision host, Safe Streets, Currently CBS Crime News consultant,
"Awareness is the best weapon against crime. This book provides the tools
necessary to defeat those who would harm children."
--This text refers to the Paperback edition.
Endorsements
"Dorothy Neddermeyer's book places emphasis on the extraordinary need for empathy in the prevention of sexual and physical abuse. Her work demonstrates her vast experience with the complexity of the problems and recognition associated with abuse, and the necessity for every parent to be aware of the approaches and measures needed to evaluate our children and their needs." -- Frederick Kahn, M.D., Psychiatrist Private Practice, Paramus, NJ
"A straight-to-the-point, informative resource for every parent, teen, or adult responsible for the safety and wellbeing of a child. Dr. Neddermeyer is to be commended for the courageous manner in which she has told the traumatic story of sexual abuse - a story that will help millions to accept, perhaps for the first time ever, that they are not alone and that it wasn't "their fault" ... she empowers her readers with the practical resources needed to prevent and interrupt this vicious assault on America's children." -- Pamela L. Blyth, Healthcare Management Consultant and Trainer
"As the parent of three children [two boys and a girl] and professional, I am aware of the delicate balance parents walk to protect, but not over protect a child from harm. Because I'm a sexual abuse survivor, by a family member, I am particularly attuned to this issue. Dorothy Neddermeyer addresses this highly charged topic without vilifying the perpetrator while holding him or her totally responsible for this crime. Another strong point of this book lies in Dr. Neddermeyer's ability to relate clinical information and research in a consistently humanistic and compassionate manner. She outlines clear, concise techniques to protect children at all ages from this horrible crime. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has child care responsibility." -- Terry J. Howell, M.A., Counseling Psychologist
"Dorothy Neddermeyer offers an excellent guide to the causes and results of sexual abuse. She is adept at getting into the minds of both the abused and the abuser, and helps us understand clearly the long-term ramifications of childhood trauma. An acute cultural observer, the author also critiques a society that tacitly overlooks the problem. Most important Dr. Neddermeyer offers practical ways for the reader to protect children against America's greatest unacknowledged scourge." -- Rev. Dr. Robert L. Gram, Senior Minister, Wyckoff Reformed Church, Wyckoff, NJ
Amazon.com Customer Reviews (www.amazon.com)
a good primer on a bad subject, April 26, 2003
Reviewer: rebeccasreads from Clallam Bay, WA United States
Sexual abuse of children by adults or other children is an ugly subject
most of us would rather know nothing about...except statistics say it is
at epidemic levels. In my experience, it is when those first inappropriate,
almost casual, actions go unremarked ("It's just children being children!") & unstopped
("No harm done, they'll grow out of it!") that allows for the next &
the next, & each successive instance of abuse will become more explicit & damaging.
It ALWAYS does.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer has put together a good primer on what sexual abuse is, how & how much it happens, what to look for, what to do when it happens, how to teach your children to watch out for themselves & how to build a bridge of trust upon which your children can report unwanted behavior.
IF I'D ONLY KNOWN... is an excellent handbook which everyone living & working with children needs to read & put into practice because it is a dangerous world out there & our children cannot protect themselves from older figures of "authority." & because the damage done by ignoring or pretending everything is ok has repercussions that bind child & adult into the dreadful cycle of doing unto others what has been done unto them.
If you have a child, wake up and read this book, April
3, 2003
Reviewer: A reader from USA
The book's title says it all. While women can expect to know 75 percent
of their attackers, the U.S. Department of Justice reports that 96 percent
of rape victims under the age of 12 knew their attackers. While we might
fear an attack on our children by strangers, Neddermeyer's work exposes the
truth that your child is most likely to be sexually abused by the person
you would least expect. Her book offers a step-by-step guide in teaching
your child how to protect themselves from this heinous crime.
Brad Parker
Women's Self-Defense Institute
http://www.defendgear.com/
http://www.defendu.com/defend_university.htm
If I'd Only Known, May 17, 2002
Reviewer: fclr from Collegeville, MN
The sexual abuse of children can happen with most any youngster by
most any adult but some children are especially vulnerable to being abused
and some adults are particularly driven to violating them. Predatory adults
threaten families and communities as safe havens and alert us to the need
to be informed, vigilant, and clear about shielding children from harm. This
timely guidebook is an important step in that direction by alerting parents,
leaders, and caregivers to common dangers and calculated grooming that can
threaten the well being of children in the home and community. This book
is eminently practical and filled with a lot of common sense checks and reminders,
the kind of guidance detail that can come from the author's experience as
a professional. With specific examples of how abuse occurs, the author expands
her solid overview of the issues in the first half of the book. The last
half is devoted to what to do concerns and checklists. This is a guide to
prevention that includes also a nice bibliography for additional in-depth
help.
Roman Paur
Executive Director
Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute (ISTI)
www.csbsju.edu/isti
Founder
Faith Community Learning Resource (FCLR)
www.csbsju.edu/fclr
A definite read for parents and child caregivers!,
April 28, 2002
Reviewer: Joi M. Lasnick from USA
The number of children who are abused in the world today, is unfortunately
on the rise. It is best said in the book, "If I'd Only Known..."
- "if a disease affected our children in these enormous numbers, we
would declare a national emergency."
The book, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse In or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention," by Dorothy Neddermeyer, gives parents the know-how they need to help prevent their child from being sexually abused, and how to learn the signs of abuse. Among other things, the book discusses good/bad touches, self-protection, good body-image, and other helpful informative child-protection tips that parents can teach their children. The book also includes helpful resources for preventing child abuse.
MyParenTime.com highly recommends "If I'd Only Known..." - It's filled with helpful and easy suggestions on keeping your children safe from abuse, and gives parents a better understanding on how children become easy targets. Anyone caring for a child should take the time to read this book!
This Book says it all..., March 29, 2002
Reviewer: Paul Ragonese from New York, New York
Children are our most precious gift from God. As adults we are responsible
for the safety and security of all children. Awareness is the best weapon
against crime and we must have the tools necessary to defeat those that would
harm our children. In her book "If I'd Only Known....Sexual Abuse in
or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, Dorothy Neddermeyer provides
us with the tools needed to recognize the signs of children who have been
assaulted by sexual predators and the steps parents should take to prevent
sexual abuse.
This book shines a light into the shadowy world of the sexual predator
that threatens our kids on the street and in our homes.
--PAUL RAGONESE, former highly decorated NYC Police Officer, former
cablevision host, "Safe Streets," currently CBS Crime News consultant
